Spiders Would Make Excellent Cyber Bullies

Colorado Springs is devoid of many of life’s more unpleasant things: excessive heat, rain, dreariness, humidity, mosquitos, or large bugs/rodents of unusual size that go along with it. In the time that we have lived here I have become completely intolerant to all these “normal” living conditions. I now expect nothing less than clean air, 250 days of sunshine, and that my oreos wont go bad if I accidentally leave the package open. Which I definitely will.

However, and this is a big however, what we lack in mosquitos and scorpions we make up for in snakes and spiders.  My distaste for snakes is expressed in a normal-ish level of discomfort.  Spiders, however, elicit a much more potent response.

As a child I shared the basement with my brothers and the household spiders.  It didn’t seem to matter how much we sprayed.  They always came back.  So did the spiders.  I think the spray functioned as more of a population control thing, keeping the status quo as not to strain their limited resources.  Much easier to pay for college too.  Really we just did them a favor.

(Wow.  Don’t Google “How many babies do spiders have” if you have a phobia of spiders.  Worst idea ever.)

Spiders were the literal monsters of my youth, living and breathing creatures that crept into my bed and lay waiting in my shoes or dirty clothes on the floor. I was mortified when I would find a trail of spider bites when I woke up in the morning. Imagining them on me was almost as bad as actually seeing them.

When I peer into their beady little eyes I see them for what they are: emotional terrorists. Spiders invade when you are at your most vulnerable then mock you by leaving the itchy evidence of their crime with the gift that keeps on giving.  Imagine the psychological damage they could cause with a smart phone and selfie.

Making my bed in the morning made a big difference in reducing the attacks which was both comforting and disturbing.  Like on days I got home from school and I. Forgot. To. Make. My. Bed. That. Morning.  At what point could I still make the bed?  Where would I sleep that night?  Will they still find me?  I seriously thought about just burning it and just starting from scratch.

Do you remember those spider facts that were popular for a while? You know the ones “There is a spider a foot of you at all times… The average person swallows 3 spiders a year…”  They confirmed my suspicion that spiders had it out for me specifically. They were watching. They were watching and they were coming for me to kamikaze down my throat just to prove a point.  They had won.

On the plus side I am very happy to report that little theory was completely unfounded.  It was a total hoax.  Ah the internet.  You lovely place of lies that go viral and keep us awake at night.

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