We are making this official, people.
These are my final wishes. Here’s how it’s going to go down.
1. When I die, I require that you include a cause of death in my obit. It only makes sense. This increases the likelihood that someone will be inspired to travel through time and prevent my death. And if nothing else, (you know, if they fail to build a time machine) it can help others from making the same deadly mistake.
No really. I am serious about including cause of death. Even if I died in a really dumb way. Especially if I died in a dumb way! Like from slipping on ice, an accidental overdose of tums, raking the leaves or shaving my legs.
Unless it’s super embarrassing, of course. If I get electrocuted while listening to my NSYNC Christmas CD I give you full permission to use your creative license. Just make it good.
In fact, I would like to be a part of a new urban legend! How awesome would it be to be immortalized that way, my tale used to warn small children of the perils of….something. Popcorn! Ice sickles! Public bathroom towel dispensers! Talking on your cell phone during a full moon! I’ll leave the details up to you.
2. At my funeral, I require all the amenities for my guests. I want them treated like rock stars. We’ll start with bowls of M&M’s with all the yucky colors removed. Bottled water flown in from the alps. A sushi and a Cold Stone artist taking personalized orders. Fresh orchids. Hall and Oats Private Eyes on repeat. All the normal stuff.
3. I expect you to give my social security number a good spin before reporting me gone. I’ve worked long and hard for that credit score. Someone should use it! Buy a house or something.
4. And, of course, when I die you are entrusted with the matter of utmost importance: To release the blackmail documents.
In all seriousness, there has been a lot of instances in the last year that has brought my mortality and the uncertainty of life into sharp focus.
I feel so young, like my future is promised and waiting for me but youth has nothing to do with it, apparently. I can’t keep putting off so many important things. I don’t want to wait anymore to live my life in the biggest way possible.
In any case, I was so sad to hear of two more HS classmates gone this week and I’m sorry that I cope with it in such a strange way. Rest well. And much love to those that are grieving.